Its been two years since I moved to New York, yet somehow I still hadn't learned how to call it home.
Maybe because home had never really been a place for me.
New York was beautiful in postcards and movies. Towering skyscrapers, streets buzzing with people at every hour, yellow taxis weaving through traffic, cafΓ©s filled with laughter. People came here to chase dreams.
I came here because I had nowhere else to go.
Life here wasn't easy either. Every month felt like solving the same impossible equation. My scholarship at New York University covered my tuition, for which I thanked God every single day, but tuition wasn't what kept you alive in this city. Rent did. Groceries did. Electricity did. Every tiny expense piled up until I found myself staring at my bank balance more often than my textbooks, calculating whether my part-time salary and the little savings I had left would somehow carry us until the next paycheck.
The university had offered me a dorm room when I first arrived, but living there was never an option.
I wasn't alone anymore.
There was someone who depended on me for everything.
"ZUZU!"
The front door flew open with a loud bang, followed by the tiny tornado I knew all too well.
"There you are!" I laughed, immediately forgetting the numbers on my laptop screen.
My whole world came running toward me on his tiny legs.
"My baby!" I bent down and scooped Avir into my arms, peppering kisses all over his soft cheeks until he squealed in protest.
"Zuzu, no kissy!" he complained, scrunching his tiny nose.
"Oh?" I gasped dramatically before booping the same nose. "And who's going to stop me, hmm?"
I attacked him with tickles instead.
"Zuzu... plewease!" he laughed so hard that little hiccups escaped between his giggles, his tiny body wriggling uncontrollably in my arms.
The sound melted something inside me every single time.
I finally spared him, wrapping him in a tight hug instead.
Just one hug from him...that was all it took.
The anxiety over bills, the endless calculations, the exhaustion from classes and work it all disappeared for a little while.
He was my peace.
"Go wash your hands first," I said, setting him down. "I've made your favorite cookies."
His eyes lit up instantly.
"Cookiesh?!"
He dashed toward the sink as if his life depended on it, leaving behind a trail of tiny footsteps.
I couldn't help smiling.
The warm aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies still lingered throughout our tiny apartment, making it feel far warmer than its worn-out walls ever could. It wasn't muchβjust a cramped little place with second-hand furniture and barely enough room for the two of usβbut somehow, Avir had managed to fill every corner of it with life.
He was only five years old.
My little brother. My only family. My entire reason for waking up every morning.
If it hadn't been for him...I honestly didn't know whether I would still be standing today.
The memories from two years ago still lived somewhere inside me. They hadn't faded. They never would. I had simply buried them beneath responsibilities, deadlines, sleepless nights, and smiles that existed solely for one little boy.
Those memories stayed locked away behind chains I refused to break.
Avir would never carry that burden, I wonβt let him.
He didn't know why we had left everything behind, he didn't know why we lived in New York. He didn't know anything about the people we had lost.
To him...I wasn't his older sister.
I was simply his Zuzuβhis mommy.
And honestly, there is no lie in it.
"Zuzu!" he announced proudly as he ran back into the living room. "I washed my hanss. Germies all gone!"
I laughed.
Even though he spoke surprisingly well for his age, there were still a few words he stubbornly refused to pronounce correctly.
I secretly hoped he never outgrew them.
"Avi baby," I smiled, placing a plate of warm cookies beside a mug of milk, "they're ready."
His eyes sparkled as though I'd placed treasure in front of him.
Just as he reached for one, I cleared my throat.
"What have I taught you?"
His tiny hand froze midair.
A dramatic pout appeared on his face before he reluctantly placed the cookie back onto the plate. Joining his little hands together, he squeezed his eyes shut.
"Thank you, God, for today's food. I wiss evely hungury human getβs food," he mumbled earnestly.
When he finished, he peeked at me with one eye open, waiting for permission.
I smiled and nodded.
Immediately, he dunked the cookie into the milk and took an enormous bite.
The second it reached his mouth, he began doing his tiny happy dance on the couch, his little legs swinging excitedly while crumbs scattered everywhere.
I burst into laughter.
"Is it that good?"
He nodded vigorously, his cheeks puffed full of cookie.
"Mhmm!"
We ate together while he chattered endlessly about his day at kindergarten. Somewhere between stuffing cookies into his mouth and taking huge gulps of milk, he told me how he'd drawn a picture and coloured the sky green. His classmates had laughed at him for it.
The excitement on his face slowly faded as he spoke, and by the end of the story, his little shoulders had slumped.
"Avi baby," I called softly, waiting until he looked at me. "It's your sky. It can be whatever colour you want it to be. Never feel bad just because someone else sees things differently."
He quietly nodded, nibbling on his cookie, though I could tell he was still upset.
"And besides..." I smiled. "Do you know a green sky actually exists?"
His eyes grew round with curiosity.
"It does?"
"Mhm." I nodded. "Have you ever heard of the Northern Lights?"
He shook his head immediately.
"No..."
"They're one of the most beautiful things in the world. Sometimes the whole sky turns green, almost like it's dancing. It's called the Northern Lights."
His mouth fell open.
"Zuzu... there's really a green sky?"
"There is." I smiled, kissing his forehead. "And I promise you, one day I'll take you there. You'll see your green sky with your own eyes."
His face brightened in an instant.
"Pwomise?"
"I promise."
He clapped excitedly before wrapping his tiny arms around my neck, nearly making me lose my balance.
As long as Avir smiled like this, I could survive anything.
"By the way," I asked once he settled back on the couch, "did you thank Aunty Mika for bringing you home?"
He nodded proudly.
"I did!"
"That's my good boy." I smiled, gently patting his head.
MikaβLuna's motherβlived in the same apartment building as us, and Luna happened to be Avir's classmate. Somewhere along the way, we'd fallen into a comfortable routine. Some days I'd pick both children up from kindergarten, while on others, Mika would bring them home.
She is truly a sweetheart.
"Avi baby, Zuzu has to go to work now," I said, crouching down to his height. "Until I come back, you'll stay at Luna's house, okay? And you'll behave yourself."
He nodded obediently.
Avir had always been an incredibly understanding child. He rarely threw tantrums, and I could count on one hand the number of times I'd actually had to scold him. Sometimes it broke my heart because children his age were supposed to be stubborn, messy, and demanding.
Instead, he quietly understood.
Deep down, I knew he had noticed how hard I worked to keep a roof over our heads. He never complained when I left for work, never demanded expensive toys, and never cried because I couldn't spend every waking hour with him.
Sometimes I wished he could be a little more childish.
He deserved that much.
I helped him change into a fresh pair of clothes before packing his tiny backpack with his favourite storybooks, a water bottle, a few jam toasts, and the toy dinosaurs he refused to leave behind.
"Everything's packed," I smiled, slipping the bag onto his tiny shoulders.
"It's shoo heavy Zuzu," he complained dramatically.
I laughed.
"My big boy can handle it."
"I strong!" he declared proudly, flexing his tiny arms.
"The strongest."
After kissing both his cheeks and wrapping him in one last hug, I walked him over to Mika's apartment and handed him over with a smile.
"Be good."
"I will!"
Only after watching him disappear inside did I finally leave the building.
Music filled my ears through my headphones as I stepped onto the bustling New York streets.
For my part-time job, I worked as a babysitter.
I used to work at a daycare, juggling half a dozen energetic children every day, until I met Mr. Maxwell and his son, Kevin.
Kevin had been unusually quiet from the very beginning. Unlike the other children, he never ran around making a mess or demanded attention. He simply sat in one corner, watching everyone with those big, silent eyes.
For some reason he had taken a liking to me.
Not long after, Mr. Maxwell approached me with an offer. He wanted me to leave the daycare and become Kevin's personal babysitter.
The salary he offered was almost impossible to refuse. It paid far better than the daycare ever had. Every extra shift, every extra dollar meant one more thing I could give Avirβa better home, a better future, a happier childhood.Β
Only later did I discover that Mr. Maxwell wasn't just another parent.
He was one of New York's well-known industrialists.
Despite all his wealth, though, he was simply a father trying his best to raise his little boy alone after Kevin lost his mother.
Maybe that was why I accepted the job so easily.
I understood what it meant to become everything for a child long before you were ready.
This morning, however, Mr. Maxwell had called me earlier than usual.
"Ms Roy, I need to discuss something important with you," he'd said before ending the call.
The conversation had stayed in the back of my mind ever since.
At first, I was nervous.
But then again what was the worst that could happen?
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